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Silent Tears: A woman's personal story of abortion

Updated: Jun 13

I feel a child crying…tears that are never heard


Helpless…. waiting…. in anticipation


Baby showers, dirty diapers, first smile, first steps…


Innocently he waits, comforted only by his mother’s muffled words…. Darkness surrounds him


Waiting…. the pain and anguish of his situation weighs heavily on my soul


I can hear my child in heaven crying out, “Why?”


Only one life to live…I didn’t even have that.


I will never know: the beauty of a sunrise, the smell of the morning dew, the sound of ocean waves,


The warm comfort of the sun shining on my thirsty skin,


The tears of pride in my parent’s eyes as I score the winning touchdown or play in my first recital.


God gave me my life…. You took it away.


Pain…. Confusion….”Why mommy?”…. You didn’t even give me a chance.”


I feel my child crying…. Tears that only I can hear….


Stop…Listen…. Can you feel it too?


One in three women believe the lie: that no one will know. You can have this done to get rid of “the problem” and your life will go back to the way it was before. IT is just a clump of cells. I made the appointment, quietly.


The shame and guilt are there, so deep in my soul, but I stuffed it down. Thinking only of my situation. I was unwed, living with my boyfriend. I couldn’t bear to face this new reality. The look on my dad’s face when I told him that I was moving in with my boyfriend was bad enough. He already knew what I was going to say. “Your gonna do it aren’t you?” His disappointment in me cut me deep. Pride, but I didn’t recognize it at the time. I just knew I couldn’t tell my family that I was now pregnant. Besides, I didn’t have health insurance and we were living in a one-bedroom apartment, living paycheck to paycheck. I just looked at my current situation and couldn’t see past it.


I don’t remember praying, if I did it was a selfish prayer, not thinking that there was actually a life inside me. I don’t even remember how I got there, if I drove myself, or if he took me. I remember sitting in the waiting room, but I felt alone.


The next memory I have is being in my bed after the appointment-the pain and bleeding. I curled up in a ball and wondered if this was normal. I wondered if I would be able to have any more babies. I didn’t think about the baby I had just killed. Was he a boy, or was she a girl? I couldn’t. I had done the unthinkable.


A year later I was pregnant again. This time I knew consciously that what I had done was

unconscionable. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that again. This time, I had a miscarriage. Now, the guilt overwhelmed me, and I knew that God would never allow me to have another child, since I had killed my first baby. I was heartbroken and guilty. Full of shame.


My boyfriend and I ended up getting married. In the next 9 years, we were blessed to have three children after the two that were taken (one by me). I stuffed my pain and guilt and shame down deep in my soul and didn’t tell anyone.


But one day, I went to a Women of Faith Conference and they spoke about abortion and it all came up from inside me like a pot of boiling water. I cried and cried and confessed my sin to my adult daughter, who had come with me.


Through the years after that, I read a book about how to heal from abortion. And I even confessed my sin to a priest. I gave it to God over and over again. One day, He spoke to my soul that he remembers it no more.


As horrible as it was, Jesus died for that sin too. I am forgiven. “God made us free from the power of darkness. And He brought us into the kingdom of His dear Son. The Son paid the price to make us free. In Him we have forgiveness of our sins.” Colossians 1:13-14 But it was harder to forgive myself.


I know that I am forgiven, but God doesn’t take away the consequences. My child, who would now be 40. His children and their children will not be here because of my “choice”. A whole family line, my family line that will never be.


One truth the other side doesn’t tell you is that once you are pregnant you are a mother. It’s what you choose to do TO your baby that will affect the rest of your life and theirs. Did you choose to keep her, to give him up for adoption, or to kill?


It took me 41 years to tell my dad. I started helping with the Colorado Life Initiative. I would tell my dad about the work we were doing and every time we talked about it, I felt like a hypocrite. Trying to end abortion, when I had one myself…. I told him on the phone. It was so hard to do, but he just listened and when I was done telling him, I asked him to forgive me, because that was his grandson or granddaughter. He forgave me right away.


All those years of hiding it in the dark. When we expose our sins to the light, the power that the enemy has over us is broken. The more I share my story, the freer I feel. And the more I share my story, the more other women come forward and share their story. Some

women I talk with have never shared their secret with anyone. The more we talk about it, the more we can expose the lies of the enemy and educate people as to what an abortion really is and how it effects our society and us, women.


WHY IS IT LEGAL?

If it wasn’t legal, I know I wouldn’t have done it. It is such a horrible procedure that I

was uneducated about. Vacuuming a baby out of a mother’s womb one limb at a time. Tearing a baby apart. The torture and pain. A sweet, innocent child should be protected by his own mother. This is NOT healthcare, and it shouldn’t be a choice. The humanity of a child should not be determined by the will of the mother.


As pro-lifers, we fight over words. A new initiative is proposed, and we fight over words. We are political, even though we say we aren’t. We use our own opinions to either support or oppose ending abortion. We think “protecting” the mother from the consequences of her choice to have her baby killed will be the right thing to do. We think a law banning abortion will hurt the mother. We don’t want to judge her or make her feel judged. After all, we are Christians and Jesus says to love.


But keeping it legal allows it to continue. We are telling our children that this is an option, that it is okay. God is the giver and taker of life. We know the truth and the truth will set our society free, but we keep the truth hidden.


Murder is murder. It is never okay to intentionally kill an innocent human being. 96%

of embryologists have concluded that life begins at "fertilization". If life didn’t begin then, there would be no reason to have an abortion, would there?


Per Webster’s dictionary, the definition of abortion is the deliberate termination of a human pregnancy. Pregnancy is the period in which a fetus develops inside a woman’s womb. Fetus is a Latin word meaning, unborn child.


The Cambridge dictionary defines a fetus as a young human being or mammal before birth. Even our dictionaries try to mask the truth. But by doing a little research, we can see the truth, Biblically, and scientifically.


The prolife movement is now playing defense. The dark side has put forth an initiative that will be on the ballot in November to make abortion a constitutional right in Colorado and allow it to be taxpayer funded. When will the prolife movement play offense? What game can be won by just playing defense?


Why didn’t all the prolife community support the last initiative? When will be the right time to educate and to stand and fight together as one movement? We need to support each other and to help when an initiative is proposed.


Jesus said, “Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation and

every city or house divided against itself shall not stand.” Matthew 12:25


Each day 66 babies are killed in Colorado. These are actually children that will never be born, because we are allowing them to be killed by staying silent.


“Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,” does not He who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not He who guards your life know it? Will He not repay everyone according to what they have done? ~Proverbs 24:11-12


Please pray and ask God what you can do to help educate and stand for the preborn children who don’t have a voice. And then do it.


I feel my child crying…. Tears that only I can hear….


Stop…Listen…. Can you feel it too?



Printed with permission.


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